This morning I read the following in “Love is a Choice":
To those who say, “But I can’t help myself,” author William Wilbanks responds, “Nonsense.” “Aggression . . . suppressing anger, talking about it, screaming and yelling, are all learned strategies in dealing with anger. We choose the one that has proved effective for us in the past. Ever notice how seldom we lose control when frustrated by our boss, but how often we do when annoyed by friends or family?”
In his sophomore year Wilbanks tried out for the high school basketball team and made it. On the first day of practice his coach had him play one-on-one while the team observed. When he missed an easy shot, he became angry and stomped and whined. The coach walked over to him and said, “You pull a stunt like that again and you’ll never play for my team.” For the next three years he never lost control again. Years later, as he reflected back on this incident, he realized that the coach had taught him a life-changing principle that day: anger can be controlled.
In the Joseph Smith Translation of Ephesians 4:26, Paul asks the question, “Can ye be angry, and not sin?” The Lord is very clear on this issue. “He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away” (3 Ne. 11:29–30). This doctrine or command from the Lord presupposes agency and is an appeal to the conscious mind to make a decision. He expects us to make the choice not to become angry.
Reading the Savior’s words—“This is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger . . . but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away”—changed my life. As a young father I had been in elders quorum meetings where more seasoned fathers emphasized the Old Testament phrase “spare the rod and spoil the child” and endorsed anger and spanking. When I read the insights shared above by William Wilbanks—that anger is a decision—it impacted me profoundly. I decided I would no longer discipline that way.
My oldest son was the brunt of much of my anger. When he was a teenager and doing things that caused me great concern, I would get angry. The angrier I got, the more counterproductive it became. Rather than helping him I was driving him away. The day I learned that anger is a decision, I took him aside and shared this new insight with him. I sincerely apologized for the many occasions on which I had become angry with him. I asked him if he would please forgive me, with the promise that I would never get angry with him ever again. He forgave me, and I kept my promise. It changed his life and it changed mine. He also dramatically reduced his own anger. He served a wonderful mission, married in the temple, has a beautiful family, and is valiant in the gospel. But I think about how close I came to possibly losing him because of my foolishness in not following the example of the one perfect parent.”
After reading this I wonder how it turned out that I have such a good relationship with my children, because I was often very angry and blamed their behavior for me loosing my temper and getting angry. I think I knew all along that it was wrong and so I did apologize - a lot. (Perhaps their forgiveness is what saved our relationship.) They may have acted out and disobeyed, been smart with me, etc., but as a parent it was my responsibility to act in a more Christlike way and refrain from being angry and just deal with the problem. I think the kids have all forgiven me, but I’m sure life at home would have been much more pleasant if I had learned this lesson as a young mother. I’m not sure I have learned it now. Currently, my children and their children don’t make me angry, but my dad and my brother sure can and I need to learn to control it and act in a different way. I'm not sure why it is so difficult for me to remain calm when Dad and Phil disagree and come at me with something they are upset about. I think I feel like they are attacking me and my decisions, or Chip and his decisions and I immediately get my hackles up and become really defensive and angry. I hate that I do that and know that if I can remain in control of myself the whole situation will be different. I don't have to agree with what they are saying, but I do need to react calmly and rationally.
This book is a really good way to learn about myself and reflect on my actions now and in the past. Hopefully, I can do better going forward.
