LOVE IS A CHOICE

I’ve been reading this book called "love is a choice" by Lynn G Robbins.  It's a church book I got from Deseret Book about improving marriage and family relationships and how love really is a choice - in our marriage and in our family.  He is a General Authority, but he was one of the founders of The Franklin Institute, which taught time management etc and sold Franklin Planners, which of course later combined with Stephen Covey and become Franklin Covey.  Pretty cool ( I had to work that in somewhere.)  Anyway, way I'm on the 2nd chapter.  The first chapter was "Agency & Love in Marriage" and this chapter is called "Love and 100% responsibility.

 I wanted to share what he called "The Anti-Responsibility List" which I'm pretty sure all of us use at some time of our lives. I thought it was worth posting.  Marriage and family is hard. (Jess and Matt - you might not realize this yet, but you will.) I recognize myself in a lot of these excuses and justifications and I bet everyone that reads this will  see themselves in some of these also. I want to work to eliminate the "anti-responsbility list" from my life - at home, at work, and at church - but especially at home.  It's easy to make excuses as to why we aren't as happy as we'd like to be, why we have the problems we have, why we do the things we do, but this part of the book is really helpful for taking full responsibility for our behavior and what we can do to change rather than asking others to change and hope our problem or situation gets better without us doing anything. We all know that we can't force others to change - our spouse or our children, our brothers, sisters, parents, etc. But we do have the power to change ourselves. That's usually the hardest thing to do.

 It's a great resource for raising kids and teaching them to be responsible for their own behavior and helpful to us as adults to get out of the habit (which I know I have) of blaming our spouse, our boss, our situation, etc for why we can't succeed or making excuses when we fail - which we all do that too.

Here is a list of examples from the scriptures of "the anti-responsibility list":

• Blame others—Saul blames others for his disobedience: “But the people took of the spoil, sheep and oxen” (1 Sam. 15:21; emphasis added).
• Self-justify—Saul justifies his disobedience: “To sacrifice unto the Lord . . . And Samuel said, Hath the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord? ” (1 Sam. 15:21–22; emphasis added).
• Make excuses—“Laman and Lemuel again began to murmur, saying: How is it possible that the Lord will deliver Laban into our hands? Behold, he is a mighty man, and he can command fifty, yea, even he can slay fifty; then why not us?” (1 Ne. 3:31; emphasis added).
• Hide—“And Adam and [Eve] went to hide themselves from the presence of the Lord” (Moses 4:14; emphasis added).
• Cover up—The prophet Nathan rebukes David: “Thou hast killed Uriah . . . and hast taken his wife to be thy wife . . . For thou didst it secretly” (2 Sam. 12:9, 12; emphasis added).
• Flee/Avoid—“But Jonah rose up to flee unto Tarshish from the presence of the Lord” (Jonah 1:3; emphasis added).
• Abandon—Alma to his son Corianton: “Thou didst do that which was grievous unto me; for thou didst forsake the ministry” (Alma 39:3; emphasis added).
• Deny/Lie—“And Saul said . . . I have performed the commandment of the Lord. And Samuel said, What meaneth then this bleating of the sheep in mine ears . . . ?” (1 Sam. 15:13, 14; emphasis added).
• Rebel—Samuel rebukes Saul: “For rebellion . . . Because thou hast rejected the word of the Lord, he hath also rejected thee from being king” (1 Sam. 15:23; emphasis added).
• Complain/Murmur—“And all the children of Israel murmured against Moses and . . . said . . . Would God that we had died in the land of Egypt!” (Num. 14:2; emphasis added).
• Find fault and get angry—“And it came to pass that Laman was angry with me, and also with my father; and also was Lemuel” (1 Ne. 3:28; emphasis added).
• Make demands/entitlements—“We will not that our younger brother shall be a ruler over us. And it came to pass that Laman and Lemuel did take me and bind me with cords, and they did treat me with much harshness” (1 Ne. 18:10, 11).
• Doubt, Despair, Give up, Lose hope, Quit—“They began to murmur against me, saying: Our brother is a fool . . . for they did not believe that I could build a ship” (1 Ne. 17:17–18).
• Wallow in self-pity—“Behold, these many years we have suffered in the wilderness, which time we might have enjoyed our possessions and the land of our inheritance; yea, and we might have been happy (1 Ne. 17:21).
• Undecided—“And Elijah came unto all the people, and said, How long halt ye between two opinions? if the LORD be God, follow him: but if Baal, then follow him” (1 Kgs. 18:21; emphasis added).
• Procrastinate—“But behold, your days of probation are past; ye have procrastinated the day of your salvation until it is everlastingly too late” (Hel. 13:38; emphasis added).
• Enable—Eli does not discipline his sons for their sins: “Wherefore kick ye at my sacrifice and . . . honourest thy sons above me . . . ?” (1 Sam. 2:22, 29; emphasis added).
• Fear—“And I was afraid, and went and hid thy talent in the earth. . . . His lord answered and said unto him, Thou wicked and slothful servant” (Matt. 25:25–26; emphasis added).

Here are some more reasons we don't take responsibility:

To avoid shame or public ridicule. He doesn’t want to appear wrong and be embarrassed in front of others. He hopes it will keep others from examining his behavior. It makes his unsatisfactory behavior or performance seem acceptable or tolerable.


To eliminate guilt. Shame is embarrassment before others; guilt is shame before God. It is the internal pain or private awareness and disappointment in oneself. Rather than repent to eliminate the guilt, Satan tempts the natural man to go to the list to displace it. Doing so gives guilty parties a false sense that someone else is to blame, and therefore, they are still in alignment with God’s will.

To avoid stress, distress, and anxiety. However, the list is a false sedative, and only masks the true problem.

To justify inaction. If he is not responsible, then there is no wrong to correct and no repentance needed.

To take an easy path. It is easier to do nothing—the natural man is lazy and takes the path of least resistance.

The anti-responsibility list could also be called the anti-faith list, because it halts progress dead in its tracks. Pride paralyzes progress with fear. It is a cunning strategy used by Satan to cause a person to subtly surrender his or her agency. The person is no longer in control or “acting;” rather, he or she becomes a victim who is being acted upon, and Satan cleverly begins to take control. Using this list is a form of self-deception and self-betrayal.

Eliminate the Anti-Responsibility List from Your Life

It doesn’t help a student to blame the teacher for a poor report card, even if the teacher is mediocre. Blaming is a form of self-pity and usually involves a surrendering of one’s initiative and control over positive outcomes.

It doesn’t help the teacher to blame a student for poor performance. Even if the students are uncooperative or lack motivation, the moment the teacher blames them she or he surrenders power to improve the class, because the burden to improve now rests upon the students.

Poor results in a missionary companionship should never be blamed on a lazy companion. The moment a missionary blames a companion (or the area, or the ward, or the weather, etc.) for lack of success; his or her own victim mentality allows failure to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Even if your spouse manages money poorly or is not as neat and orderly as you are, you lose control over possible happy outcomes when you conclude that he or she is the one who must change before you can be happy. In what ways can you be more responsible for happier outcomes?

Even if your spouse is not as romantic as he or she used to be, or is a poor communicator, or seems more interested in business, hobbies, sports, or socializing than the family, you lose control over possible happy outcomes when you think your spouse is the only one that needs to change. There may be many creative solutions to these challenges when you begin to ponder on things you can do to improve the situation rather than hoping all positive change must come from the other person.

Summary

• Agency and responsibility are inseparable. With 100% agency we are also 100% responsible.
• Trying to separate agency and responsibility is one of Satan’s most cunning strategies.
• We have all used the anti-responsibility list and will continually be tempted to use the      devices on it.
• When we avoid being responsible, we limit our own agency.
• Responsibility is as much a gift as agency, with increased blessings given to those who are responsible for their choices.
• The anti-responsibility list is self-deceptive and self-destructive and damages relationships with others.
• When we are not responsible before God, Satan begins to take control. 
• The law of justice demands 100% responsibility for sin.
• Not being responsible is to deny the Lord’s justice and mercy.
• Not confessing serious sins is not being responsible. 
• Not forgiving is self-defeating and self-destructive.
• Forgiving is a requirement to partake of the sacrament worthily.
• We must forgive even if the offender is unrepentant, and until we do so, we will not access the Lord’s grace and find healing and peace.

This is a great book, well worth your time to read and discuss.